hard days

A hard day is what I am having today.  There is no one thing that made it worse or better but a pile of "stuff" that has been continue to dwell in my heart.  My breaking point came today.

The morning started out great.  We went to Mother Goose time at the library where we focus on infant development and reading.  Madison had a great time, Carson loves listening to all the songs.  We went out to lunch with my wonderful, kind neighbor and her son, Caleb.  The day was going so smoothly I thought squeezing in one more quick store would not hurt.  Unfortunately, that was the straw.  I wanted to scream like my daughter was, uncontrollably because she could only take 4 stuffed animals instead of 5 and Mommy wouldn't listen to it.  Instead we stood outside the store waiting for the screaming to cease.  Just when I think we are good (only mild crying), the gentlemen informs me I need to remove everyone that I just arranged into this purple cart out because only their blue carts are allowed.

Fine, Fine, Fine....Put my sweating head down and do it.

Then after finding a few  items as I am running, aka speed walking, I see the line.  Did I not get the memo...Is it the day after Thanksgiving?!?  The line was wrapped around 3 times in front of the cashiers.  WHAT?  I have already pushed my luck and now  Madison was on the verge of another full melt down.  I pick Madison up in one arm and Carson in the other arm and leave the cart full of stuff there. 

I wanted to cry.  Really, I did on the way home. 

There are days I miss everyone.

There are days I feel insufficient as a mother.

There are days I wish I could have a moment to breath.

But instead Madison is in the back seat screaming because I won't let her watch the movie and Carson is in the other seat screaming because he spit his paci out for the fortieth time.

I hate complaining but this blog has become sort of a therapy for me.  My own account of the good and the hard.  My in laws just left which was wonderful and sad, my husband is leaving tomorrow for 4 days, and here I remain.  Every day, every minute, every late night feeding, every tantrum, every laugh, every kiss.

Please know I love my children.  God has blessed us with healthy, amazing children but as I am sure every mother can tell you, it is not all sugar and roses.  The beautiful, perfect stay at home mother just is not me.  I can not do it all yet I battle myself thinking I should.  I am home all day...I have all the time in the world.  Not true.

My sweet little girl today...I bumped her head with Carson's carseat and she puts her hand and on her head, looks at me and says "Say Ssssoooorrrryyyy."  Those are the moments I live for.  I just need to remember them when I am in the midst of my own tears.